God, how it burns!

I scream at the other prisoner in the holding cell with me:

“I must get through this. I have to keep at it for just a few days longer. It will get better. There is no God in this world. No godliness or sainthood. If there was a God, He would be helping me right now. He does not give a shit!” I’m delirious from withdrawals.

 “He does not give a shit? You think that God does not give a shit? He does not care? He could not give a hell about whether you piss heroin from all the injections you gave yourself?”

 He walks over to where I lay sweating on the thin mat, and sits down.  

 “You think that He does not care whether you don’t believe in Him. He does not care about addiction or Aids? He does not allow for Himself to be tied down with the burdens of withdrawals? You should know that, that’s why God created the concept of grace. It’s by His grace that we live.”

 He puts his hand on my head.

 “God is a forgiving father. “

He is bigger than that you see. He could not give a shit about your faith, because He is Faith. He made YOU, and I truly believe that He experience all things through us.

It burns, God how it burns!

Withdrawals consumes me; it absorbs me fully in its painful embrace.

I read all over the net about withdrawals symptoms. Bullshit little lines like:” Difficulty sleeping” and “some nausea”.  Don’t they know that nobody can describe the hell you are in whilst going through the throws of withdrawals?

Don’t they know that you are incapable of feeling guilt or shame at that time? You don’t need their anger or sympathy. You need their decisiveness and their strength. When in withdrawals, you can’t decide for yourself. You don’t have the ability to make rational decisions.

You are in physical agony. You are hot and sweaty, and your whole body cramps up. Your kidneys are in pain, and that causes huge discomfort, en when laying flat on your back. That is when you can lie down. You are restless and your skin crawls.

You can not sleep. Every single time I went through withdrawals I could not sleep until week three, and every junkie I ever knew agree with me on this.

Your body becomes weak, and you shit yourself. Yes, I wrote that because it is true and not to offend. You vomit on yourself. You will be laying in that mess until day three, at least.

You have delirious hallucinations, and can not distinguish between reality and fantasy. You cum in your pants at the mere movement of you pants over your genitals. Your whole body burns from within as every nerve awakens from months of “sleep” and sedation. Heroin is an opiate. It’s a derivative of   Morphine which is used as a sedative and pain killer. And as every nerve awake, you know about them.

You sneeze and cough up phlegm. You go through hell every time your body shakes from a sneeze or cough. Then you open your eyes afterwards, and it starts all over again.

Somewhere around day four you become half human again, although a bit sleep deprived maybe, but you will know your name.